Let’s for the moment accept the assumptions that my life adheres to the rules of the Peanuts universe and that I am Charlie Brown. (This assumption is not demonstrably true, and is nonsensical, but just accept it for the moment.)
Given these assumptions, it follows that the each woman in my life could be likened to a Peanuts character.
Let us review the female characters in Charles Schulz’s classic Peanuts comics:
Lucy: When Lucy pulled the football away from Charlie Brown the first time, that was arguably comedy. When she did it for the 70th time, it merely added to the mountain of evidence that she is a colossal bitch. She was bossy, pushy, crabby, and seemed to get a unique delight in torturing Charlie Brown. Finally, her name begins with the letter “l.”
Sally: Charlie Brown’s little sister, is, well, his little sister. Now I have no little sister, but I think everyone understands the “little sister” syndrome - that is, a girl you were previously interested in, due to some behavioral patterns, you suddenly start to think of as your little sister and then the whole thing is ruined. And besides, Sally was blonde and annoying and had a really, really annoying voice in the cartoon specials.
Peppermint Patty: Patty was pushy and bossy like Lucy, except without a clue. She always assumed Charlie Brown was in love with her, when, in fact, he seemed rather uninterested in her, probably due to her mannishness. You have to worry about a girl whose best friend calls her “sir.”
Marcie: Smart, wears cute glasses, kind of dorky, seemingly naive, and attached to the butch Patty. While I know it’s cliche to discuss Marcie and Patty as lesbians, I always felt that it was just Marcie who was the lesbian, which makes sense, since in the Peanuts universe of course the only redeeming female main character would like girls.
Finally, there is the little red-headed-girl, but the whole point of her is that she is fundamentally unattainable. (Yes, yes, I know he kisses Heather in “It’s Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown” but try not get bogged down in geeky specifics.)
To recap, we have the bitch, the little sister, the tomboy, the geek-girl lesbian, and the unattainable red-head. This presents a taxonomy which after careful research I have found to completely and accurately classify all the female characters in my wannabe sitcom of a life and clearly explains while I will spend the rest of my life alone.
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