trenchant.org

by adam mathes
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Not Really Funny

[I wrote this about a week ago, and couldn’t decide whether it was really funny or really uninformed or really offensive. Those are all non-exclusive or’s.

Regardless, it just furthers my view that I should really just give up on the web and write for radio.]

US - Look, Israel, you can’t just go into Ramallah with your tanks and guns. I mean, sure we’ve abstained from making U.N. resolutions about the middle east for years, but this time, we’re making an exception. Get the fuck out of Ramallah.

Israel - But they are harboring and encouraging terrorism. What happened to your policy of zero tolerance against terrorism and countries that harbor terrorists? Remeber that whole, “from this day forward, any nation that continues to harbor or support terrorism will be regarded by the United States as a hostile regime.”

US - Oh. Right. That. That was a long time ago.

Israel - It was barely six months ago!

US - Besides, that was a totally different situation. We had these crazy Arab suicide bombers blowing up buildings.

Israel - So do we!

US - Those were little buildings, you can’t compare that to the World Trade Center.

Israel - So now you have to blow up a fucking skyscraper to be considered a terrorist?

US - Yes. I mean, no. I mean, just, don’t kill Arafat.

Israel - Well tell him to stop encouraing crazy terrorists to blow up our buildings!

US - Just go along with the Saudi peace plan! Give them an independent state and pull out of all the land you took when you kicked the crap out of the other Arab nations thirty years ago. The rest of the Arabs will, umm, have normal relations and stop harassing you.

Israel - Normal relations? That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And you’re only going along with this sham of a peace plan because Bin Laden flew those planes into buildings.

US - What? That’s absurd. Come on, W is in office in large part because of James “fuck the jews” Baker. Blame it all on anti-semitism! And, yeah, also, we’re trying to prevent more terrorist acts against us. Have to look out for number one, you know.

Israel - So it’s because you’re a bunch of hypocritical pansies.

US - Well, maybe. Kind of. Fuck, couldn’t you Jews have just kept wandering for a few more than forty years and stopped somewhere where there was oil instead of just crappy desert? I mean, we’re spending an awful lot of time and effort on this barren hellhole of a “holy land.” If you had wandered say fifty years and gotten the oil then we wouldn’t have to pretend to be friends with countries like Saudi Arabia now.

Israel - Ok, never mind, fuck you guys, we don’t have time for this. We’re going to go and bomb the shit out of Palestinians now.

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