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by adam mathes
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A New Low

Reaching a new personal low, I played and beat a role playing game for my beloved but neglected Dreamcast last weekend.

I never play RPG’s because I believe that they are intellectually bankrupt pieces of garbage that suck away hours upon hours of your life as you mindlessly hit the ‘a’ button approximately 87 million times in succession in a zombie-like trance where you start to think seriously about how great it will be when your character has enough experience points to master Magna Rave Dive Punch.

And, also, because RPG’s are for dorks. Cool people play shooters. (1) Even though they also require you to to hit the ‘a’ button 87 million times, at least your mind isn’t slowly turned to swiss cheese by endless fights with the same monsters punctuated by an incomprehensible anime-derived plot-line and listening to moronic villagers repeat the same uninteresting babble over and over again. That, and the explosions are usually better.

The only redeeming factor of this game was that the heroine attacked with a frying pan. At first I thought maybe this was just an early weapon, and that she might move on to a different weapon later on in the game. But no. She just kept whacking giant enemies with a frying pan the entire game, always with the same gratifying thud.

But I really admire that in a woman.

  1. Personally, I just play Crazy Taxi.

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