trenchant.org

by adam mathes
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Ultimatums

Dear George,

I am very intrigued by your ultimatum that I should leave the country with my two sons within 48 hours or face war. However, I have a few questions:

What if I leave, but my sons do not? I mean, they’re not they’re not so bad, right?

What if I leave, but my sons do not, then do you at least promise to cut the bombing down by one third maybe?

What if I leave and just one of my sons leave?

No? Well, what if I leave, and just one of my sons leave, but the other one really promises not to be evil?

What if I leave the country with my sons, but we only like step into Iran for two seconds then hop back into Iraq. Do we get a get out of war free card?

If I get assassinated by one of my sons, can that son stay in Iraq?

And if so, would the other non-assassinating son staying in Iraq still be cause for war?

Would my body have to be buried outside of Iraq? If I am buried inside of Iraq within the next 48 hours, will you still declare war?

You did not say anything about my daughters. So if one of my sons gets a sex change in the next 48 hours, would he/she still have to leave the country?

Also, I have a lot of stuff in my presidential palaces. If I leave Iraq forever, but forgot something, like you know, my favorite toothbrush or stuffed animal or something, will you let me come back and get it? Or will you at least promise to like fed ex it to me?

Hypothetically speaking, if I get married to a new wife in the next 24 hours, does the wife have to go to, or can she stay and continue my Evil Regime©?

Can she stay in Iraq if she doesn’t continue to run my Evil Regime©? I mean, you didn’t explicitly mention her. It hardly seems fair. And then she could fed ex me the toothbrush or something.

Finally, can I send my sons to the Great Satan’s homeland to hang out with your daughters?

From the bottom of my bunker,

Saddam

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