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by adam mathes
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Personal Ads for Assholes (Part Two)

I originally wrote this for Uber but Ben published a much less entertaining article about the same thing he wrote himself. Anyway…

WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE UBER PERSONALS

Now that internet personals have gone mainstream, and normal people now have no problem using the internet to meet people for dates, anonymous sexual encounters, marriages, repeated anonymous sexual encounters, casual sex, coffee, sex in dirty motel rooms, sex in cheap motel rooms, sex in overpriced motel rooms, or lunch dates, the normal dating services won’t cut it for the discerning, young, hipster.

How are you going to find the people who don’t completely suck among the hordes of investment bankers, sorority sisters, Dixie Chicks fans… and boring people?

Most importantly, how are you going to find people with good cultural tastes?

Two words: Uber Personals.

At other dating sites, they have stupid, boring questions that encourage you to lie to make yourself look better than you are. (Because they have a vested economic interest in encouraging contact with you, even if you suck.) Fuck that. We have questions like “Why did your last relationship fail? Whose fault was it? And why are you such a putz?” and “Talk about sex. We don’t care what you say, as long as it’s about sex. And you.” Because somebody might actually want to read the answers to that, but nobody wants to read about your “most humbling moment.” At least, nobody that you would actually want to date.

Other dating sites focus on the sorts of silly things that only small-minded idiots think are important. Do you really need 14 checkboxes to narrow people down based on race? At Uber, we have one checkbox called “ethnic.” It’s in the “Disfunctions, Flaws & Hangups” section, because if you’re that focused on meeting people based on race, you have a problem.

And yes, we have a Disfunction, Flaws, and Hangups section. Because your relationships might go a little better if you are just honest and admit that you have control issues, and a chronic masturbation problem up front. We threw “Herpes” in there because if you have Herpes, wouldn’t it just be better to meet people that already have Herpes? You can then avoid that difficult “really, Herpes isn’t so bad” chat.

Look at your other personals sites options. Match.com and their ilk are for normal people. Clearly, you can not date normal people if you’re reading Uber. And seriously, do you really want to meet someone who not only reads Salon, but actually wants to meet other Salon readers? Or, even worse, The Onion? (I mean, seriously people, it’s 2003, find a new site that’s actually funny.)

Also, Dakota is on Uber personals. And he’s a hottie.

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