trenchant.org

by adam mathes
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Episode 3

Dakota,

I found this randomly. I’m going to post it as “episode 3” even though:

  1. i never published episode 2
  2. i wrote this one (i think) and you never liked it
  3. a list with 2 items isn't much of a list

-adam

Adam and Dakota are sitting at their computers. Adam is typing away, then stops, and sits back.

Adam
So do you want to record it now?

Dakota
What?

Adam
You know, the radio flash show thing.

Dakota
Huh?

Adam
Come on.

Dakota is unresponsive as he sits at his computer.

Adam
You wrote it!

Dakota
Wrote what?

Adam
I hate you.

Adam gets up and leaves the room. We hear bacon crackling.

Dakota
Are you making bacon?

Adam
Yeah

Dakota
Can I have some?

Adam
Are you hitting on me?

Dakota
Why, do you want make out?

(The bacon sizzles loudly.)

Adam
What?

Dakota
This really isn’t very funny.

Adam
So do you want any bacon?

Dakota
That’s gross.

Adam
Fine.

Dakota
You’re gross.

Adam
That’s my joke. You’re stealing my material.

Dakota
Whatever man, it’s improv.

Adam
You’ve been doing this without a script? The whole time?

Dakota
Why, is there a script?

Adam
You fucking wrote it!

Dakota
Oh yeah. Do you want to record that thing?

Adam
I’m trying to fucking cook bacon here! I wanted to record it 5 minutes ago!

Dakota
Wait, record what?

Adam
I hate you.

[the house blows up because of the bacon grease fire]

[black out]

Dakota
That was stupid.

Adam
It would’ve been better if you had fucking read your lines.

Dakota
What the hell are you talking about?

Adam
The script. You wrote it!

Dakota
When did we get a printer?

Adam
We have that old one, with the thing.

Dakota
DOT MATRIX!

Adam
Yeah.

Dakota
I want to print something!

Adam
Can we just finish this scene first?

Dakota
I want to print stuff!

Adam
Fine. Print something.

(Computer noises. Dot matrix noises.) (Dakota puts a giant picture of Le Shok’s We Are Electrocution except the plug is replaced by his head. It is a giant poster, as large as him.)

Adam
That’s gross.

Dakota
What? The resolution is pretty good.

Adam
You’re gross.

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