trenchant.org / daily

From: dakota
To: Adam Mathes amathes@gmail.com
Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 01:06:54 -0500
Subject: i remember doot doot

i remembered episode one but not episode two. i must have been really stoned. they’re both funnier than i thought they would be.

dakota

[ Dakota wrote these when we were living together in Austin. You readers get Episode 1 today — adam. ]

SOME SHOW THING? - Episode 1 - African American Jack

Scene 1:

DAKOTA is sitting in the dark.

DAKOTA: Ha.

SFX Door. ADAM enters.

ADAM: What are you doing?

DAKOTA: I don’t know.

ADAM: Do you want to go see a movie? Maybe one about a-

BLACKOUT.

ADAM: (V.O.) What the hell is this?

Cut to ADAM in front of the microphone, script in hand.

ADAM: I think this sucks.

DAKOTA: Yeah, so?

ADAM: You can’t write for me. I’m complex.

DAKOTA: Could you sound more sarcastic when you say that? I don’t think you’re really getting the feeling across.

ADAM: I am complex.

Pause.

ADAM: I think this sucks.

DAKOTA: You would, I wrote it.

ADAM: So since you point that out, you want a prize? Writing doesn’t make you a writer.

DAKOTA: That doesn’t make sense; I have to go to the doctor.

DAKOTA exits. At first I typed exists, but that is obvious. Check it out, it’s like the commentary edition.

BLACKOUT.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) God this is awful.

Cut to DAKOTA in front of the microphone.

DAKOTA: Did I write this?

Pause.

ADAM: Are you high? Again?

Pause.

DAKOTA: No.

Pause.

DAKOTA brings a pipe to his lips.

Pause.

DAKOTA brings a bong to his lips.

Pause.

DAKOTA brings a bong to his lips and a pipe to his nose.

BLACKOUT.

ADAM: (V.O.) That’s it? You smoke a lot of pot? Where is the joke?

SFX: BONG NOISE

Pause.

ADAM: (V.O.) And why does it say V.O.?

DAKOTA: (V.O.) It means voice over; it’s an industry term. You wouldn’t understand.

ADAM: (V.O.) I know what it means. But it’s just black out after black out. The whole thing is a black out.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Look, you have to use your voice to talk don’t you? How else do I know what you’re saying? Can I hear your thoughts?

Pause.

ADAM: (V.O.) I’m going to go make some ba-

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Silence! I’m picking up your neurowaves.

Pause.

(Meditative drone) Hmmmmmmmmmm… You’re going to go make bacon.

ADAM: (V.O.) How did you know?

BLACKOUT.

ADAM: (V.O.) Can we even have another black out? It was already black.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Well, maybe you can come up with a better way to end a scene. I mean, you can’t blow up a black out.

BLACKOUT explodes into another black out.

Pause.

ADAM: (V.O.) Oh yeah, that worked really well.

BLACKOUT explodes into red.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Whoa. What the fuck is this?

ADAM: (V.O.) It’s a red out.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) I think the proper term is Native American.

Pause. Red out explodes to black out.

SFX: BACON NOISE

ADAM is in the kitchen making bacon.

BLACKOUT.

ADAM: (V.O.) What was that about? I hadn’t even spoken.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Shh!

ADAM: (V.O.) Another black out? How many do we need?

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Well, we need some place for the commercials.

ADAM: (V.O.) Commercials?

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Yeah, check this totally out!

Scene 2

[Insert commercial]

Scene 3

ADAM: So, is there a plot yet?

DAKOTA: Look, I have to stop talking now.

ADAM: Why do you have to stop talking?

DAKOTA: I have to save my voice. I’m in an opera later.

ADAM: Oh really? Which one?

DAKOTA: Phantom of the Opera.

ADAM: That’s a musical.

DAKOTA: It sounds like an opera.

ADAM: You’re fired.

Dakota inserts earplugs into ears.

DAKOTA: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.

ADAM: What are you doing?

DAKOTA: Doctor’s orders.

ADAM: What?

DAKOTA: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.

Pause.

DAKOTA: They’re prescription.

Pause.

Prescription Earplugs.

SFX Crickets.

ADAM: What the hell? Where did the crickets come from?

DAKOTA: I didn’t hear anything.

Pause.

Don’t look at me.

ADAM: I’m not looking at anyone. I’m leaving.

DAKOTA: Ok, then.

ADAM: (V.O.) Bye.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Bye!

Pause.

Adam?

Pause.

Dakota removes his earplugs.

Adam?

Pause.

How would Adam Reed end this?

BLACKOUT explodes to credits.

SFX Card shuffling.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Hit me.

DAKOTA is playing Black Jack at a table.

Hit me.

Pause.

Hit me.

ADAM: Do you even know how to play Black Jack?

DAKOTA: I think the proper term is African American J-

The biggest, most explosive explosion.

AFRICAN AMERICAN OUT.

ADAM: (V.O.) Real original.

Pause.

You forgot to write the commercial.

DAKOTA: (V.O.) Shit. Oh well, I’ll just email this to Ben.

BEN: (V.O.) I’LL PUBLISH IT!