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by adam mathes
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In The Beginning, Some Crazy Ass Shit Happened

I’ve been reading the Tanakh. (That’s the Jewish holy scriptures for you goyim.)

I started taking some general notes. They mostly show what a lack of formal religious education can do to a young secular Jew when he is later exposed to the books of moses.

Notes on Genesis

This shit is absurd.

Why do these guys keep claiming their wives are their sisters? So they just fuck their wives, instead of killing them, then fucking their wives? And then everyone is all pissed off when they find out the bitches are married.

Does anybody actually believe this shit?

Joseph seems sort of like an asshole, where he’s fucking with his relatives and not telling them who he really is. That’s sort of funny. But I’m pretty sure this ends with the whole Hebrew nation being completely fucked over and in bondage, so jokes on us.

Oh wait, it does. Hah!

Notes on Exodus

If I’m understanding this right, Moses is not really asking to let his people go for ever - but to go to sacrifice a bunch of animals in the forest and then come back. A vacation, really. A killing goats and sheep kind of vacation - everyone’s favorite kind.

And pharaoh was like, fuck that shit, you don’t get vacation to walk three days out in the middle of the desert, do your worshipping here. But apparently they can’t do their worshpping there because God thinks Egypt is sort of a shithole so crazy things start happening.

As far as I can tell, the first part of Exodus is pretty much about how bad vacation policies in the workplace can lead to strikes/rebellion/revolution/loss of workforce. So keep that in mind!

God is pretty much nuts, based on this chapter. Rather than just convincing Pharaoh to let the Hebrews leave, he explicitly “hardens the heart” of Pharaoh so that he won’t be easily convinced so that God has an excuse to do a bunch of crazy shit like poison the Nile with blood and swarms of locusts and killing first born children. And why does he do this crazy shit? So the Hebrews, who have apparently lost interest mostly in this God guy, pay attention and fear him.

Which seems odd, because you’d think God, who is like, omnipotent and omniscient and shit, would not really have vanity issues. But apparently he wants to be worshipped, and I guess if I had chosen a people and they were busy being a bunch of fuck-up slaves I’d want them to get their shit together and worship instead. Sort of?

It just seems a bit convoluted, I mean, he could’ve just had Pharaoh let the Hebrews go and then make fire rain from the sky or something to scare the shit out of the Hebrews but not kill a bunch of Egyptians, right? That’s what I did in Populous.

I mean what the fuck did the random Egyptians do to have god smite their first-born sons? They had a Pharaoh who had a bad vacation policy, as far as I can tell. Based on this stuff I kind of think God is like a crazy, racist, asshole.

And though I don’t believe in him or anything, I kind of like him more as a character based on that, which is also weird.

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